HEAD ON

This is the new sign on my computer monitor at work - "HEAD ON".

A subtle reminder to stay focused, yes.
But much more importantly, a plea from myself to myself to tackle problems "head-on".

I have picked up a book on the Enneagram, and while I had a difficult time "typing" myself when introduced to this Personality Type system back in high school, this time I read through the description of 9 - The Peacemaker, to find a surprisingly accurate description of my motivations, inner struggles, and methods of dealing with conflict, anxiety etc.

As someone who is happiest when the people around me are happy, I put a lot of energy into keeping the people around me happy, obviously.

Strangely enough, just a couple of weeks ago I summarize all of my objectives at work, and categorized them all under the ultimate headings of:
1- Keep my boss happy
2 - Keep my team happy
3 - Keep my project funders happy
and a fourth, second tier objective: (4 - keep myself happy?)

Well, the age old saying - "you can't keep everyone happy all the time" obviously causes stress to me consistently, as I avoid upsetting one person only to the dismay of another. To avoid conflict situations I tend to avoid acknowledging problems as long as possible, and only address them when avoiding to do so any longer creates greater conflict in the short term.

The greatest struggle for a Peacemaker is to deal squarely with problems, acknowledging that conflict is a necessary part of dealing with life's inevitable problems, and will not destroy personal relationships.

With this new encouragement on my monitor I am so far only realizing to what extremes I go to avoid conflict. Hopefully with time and repetitive attempts I will overcome this habit/fear, and in so doing, make life more enjoyable for myself, and less confusing for those I work with!

Thoughts during a work day

How did I arrive here? In this room, with these men, discussing this idea?

Am I in heaven?
A movie?
A dream?
I wish everyone I know could see me in this moment.

Here I find inspiration that warms me and fills me with the same pleasure I felt walking across the grounds.

But they serve Albron food. And I am an outsider, looking for my way into something I have not been invited to enter, and do not fully understand, or know how to contribute to.

Raimond runs out and leaves me there. Next time I must remember to ask for more details about our meetings in advance. I am left to explain myself, and beg a ride with a delightful man to Amsterdam. He speaks of our cultural baggage weighing us down with the idea that permanent is good, and that people must dominate and separate themselves from nature - he calls himself an "architect", and asks me to define myself.

I wish I could wrap myself up into a nice package with the word "architect", or "engineer". Another fixation of our culture - identities, lables - which reduces our flexibility and adaptive capacity.

I don't even think to call myself a musician or athlete until well after we part ways. More pieces of the identity I hammer loosely together, pulling up the parts that are most convenient whenever I must identify myself. These new ones - liaison for a research institute, and coordinator of a soon-to-be international network - are still uncomfortable to me, and I am amazed at how quickly people accept them, while I hardly believe them myself.

I am still in the stage of my career and life where I am looking for mentors. I assess all the people and organizations I encounter to see if they inspire me to emulate them. I want so badly to be inspired.

Other ideas and visions that inspire me today:
We do not need to develop new knowledge, but simply to apply what we already know.
We do not need to produce more food, but to produce our food in a sustainable manner, and to use it and distribute it more wisely.

The opportunity is here

I have often thought that it would be exciting to have or be an influential part of a business - not because of any desire to run a business, but because of the opportunity to influence the world so tremendously through that business.

Mostly I think of restaurants and sourcing wholesome, fairtrade, organic, local food; hiring young people feeling down and out and giving them an opportunity to be inspired and gain confidence; supporting local initiatives with money and time and food; sponsoring healthy lunches in schools and projects to plant fruit trees throughout the city; creating no waste that is not composted or recycled.

Now I find myself in a very influential position at the start-up of what could be a very large organization. It doesn't feel as straight-forward as I imagined running a restaurant would be, but I have great opportunities to influence the direction of research, the transparency and openness of the organization, the amount and type of travel and off-sets, where and how we entertain partners, how we engage with the international climate change process.

In many ways it feels more grey than my imaginary restaurant, but the opportunities are much more real right now, and I must not be blinded to them, intimidated by them, or too busy in busy-work to not take advantage of them.

Today and every day is my opportunity to make this organization - and this world - one that I am proud of and inspired by.