Does one stumble upon fate?

I am finding the Easter weekend a great opportunity to notice and be grateful for the new life literally springing from the earth, and to contemplate aspects of my own life as well.

I am working for a research centre conveniently located about 400m from my house, and right next to where my boyfriend takes classes. After Christmas I spent an anguished month debating whether to follow-up on the Canadian climate change battle by returning to Canada or staying here in the Netherlands with my partner and trying to find an inspiring way here. As with every other major life-direction decision I can remember, I didn't really make it, but let time make it for me, and as I didn't decide to go back to Canada, the default decision of staying here resulted, and in late January I started to think seriously about what I would do here in Europe. I had many ideas ranging from working manual labour on farms in France to improve my French, to applying for jobs with consulting companies, but decided to try across the street at the research centre first, and sure enough they had a job just waiting for me.

So I worked for them coordinating some sessions for a contentious international conference. The work did not draw on the skills and knowledge I developed during my university work, but rather required diplomatic and swift communication skills and impeccable organization, which I more or less managed. I could say a lot about the conference, but my overall impression was that a lot of time and energy and money went into an event that didn't seem to have much impact beyond riling up the anti-major-international-conferences movement, and I would be very malcontent to work towards another conference of this sort in the future, unless it was in a very different capacity, which I cannot imagine at the moment. In some ways it paralleled my experience this winter and the disillusionment with the large-scale international attempts at solving problems that really require localized solutions, and only international intent. Of course I do see value in the sharing of knowledge and ideas, but if that was the goal of this conference, it would have been run in a very different manner.

The research centre has now assigned me another task which is even more internationally focused and politically charged, and I wonder how it is that I happen to be the only person I know in this research institute (besides the secretaries and administrative staff) who is not doing research, and if I am sub-consciously still driving for international large-scale projects despite my growing disdain for them.

So here I am with a financially comfortable and location convenient job, but which I didn't exactly choose, and which will take me further into the world of international power-plays and decision-making, which I am becoming increasingly wary of. I still plan to move back to Canada with my boyfriend at the end of next year when he finishes his degree, and I picture myself there living on a small piece of land where we grow food and he builds greenhouses and wacky inventions for energy production and waste treatment, taking part in local politics and local initiatives, maybe working for a provincial ministry or small consulting company.... a relatively low-key, close-to-home style life.

But that image is at violent odds with what I am doing now, and I wonder if I am letting other people's ambitions and motivations guide my life, or if this is actually quite strategic because it will teach me quite a bit about what it means to bring people and organizations on-board a project, and the ins and outs of budgets and contracts, and other things it would be useful to know if I were to launch something of my own ambition.... or if it doesn't matter one way or the other and I should just enjoy whatever it is that comes my way, knowing that I can change what I am doing whenever I so choose, and trusting that I will find a "path with heart" whatever I do.

Will my "fate" find me if I continue to float through, grasping onto whatever comes my way? Or do I need to claim a fate now and make it mine? If it's not clear to me now, will it someday strike me so that I know when it is time to make a change? take my stand?