These Feelings Change

When we climbed into bed last night he told me that there were lots of things that he wanted to talk with me about, but that this probably wasn't the best time. I told him that I felt the same. After some idle conversation we fell asleep.

This morning we went for a jog together, which soon turned into a walk as we spoke about our relationship. He told me that he has a lot of respect for the work that I have been doing this past week, but we have had no positive time together, and he has been left with no feelings for me beyond respect.

We spoke about how the evenings this week have gone, with one of us going out for one activity or another, but not having done anything together. Most days when we get home after school and work we say that we would like to have a quiet night in together, but there is always something scheduled or something comes up that one of us goes off to do. Kealan told me that I left him to spend time with other people two nights this week that we had said we would like to spend together. I told him that I had been waiting for him to put his school work away, and when someone came by after 10pm to invite us to do something and Kealan said he was too busy, I left because I didn't think we were going to spend time together anyway.

I also told him that when I come home from work, seeing him is often a drag because he is stressed, frustrated and tired, and often all I hear from him are complaints and requests for me not to touch him or disturb him. I told him that I remember what it was like last year when we lived in Oxford, when each time I saw him was thrilling. Waking up to him, meeting him unexpectedly on the street, coming home to him or having him come home to me, meeting up at lunch... every time we met it made my heart pound and brought a smile to my face; every time we kissed it was passionate.

We decided that we need to make time for our relationship a priority in our lives, to make an effort to include one another and join one another in our activities, and to take pleasure in the presence of one another in all the day to day time we spend with one another. While I wanted to feel reassured and happy with this outcome, I actually felt extremely sad. Saying out loud that the feelings of love and excitement are gone, and hearing him say the same made our relationship somehow officially on the rocks, when before it was just in my mind. In my mind it was safer; it could be dismissed or rationalized. In my mind the only thing getting our relationship down is Kealan being stressed, tired, and negative. Out in the world of conversation, it is not so easy to pin down.

We came home to our housemates getting the house ready for a party tonight, and we joined in with cleaning and moving furniture. Kealan alternately hummed and sang, "you've lost that loving feeling" and I went to our room. When Kealan came to the room to collect his school work we talked about what we were going to do for dinner as our task for the party preparation is to get a quick dinner ready for our housemates. The conversation went as more and more of our conversations do - questions have an edge to them; responses sound like accusations. Sorting out what time to have dinner ready and who will pick up what from the market or store today and whether or not we will prepare it together was frustrating and antagonistic and I started to cry. Kealan closed the door and looked at me. He apologized for saying that he didn't want to cook dinner with me, and that we could still be a team. I told him that I was just sad about how we are talking to one another. He asked if he could touch me, and I said please.

We cycled together to my office to ask how late it is open on Saturdays and finalized plans for who would pick up what food and when we would meet back home. We cycled together to his school building, joking about a dream he had last night and an annoying guy he shares a class with. I kissed him as he parked his bike and he watched me ride away, calling out to ask me if I was okay when I stopped to put a plastic bag over my wet seat. I waved good-bye as I went around the corner.


I stopped on the bridge to listen to the ice as it cracked and the many pieces where the ice meets the water knocked together to make the sound of dull chimes. The thin sheet of ice breathed gently as the wind sent small waves across the pond. I thought about how precious this sight and these sounds are. When I bike over the bridge tomorrow, they will be gone.